Death recently has just taken me way down ... losing a very dear friend only weeks ago opened up old wounds that just seem to take too long to heal again. Now that I am in the "fall" of my life, death scares me even more.
In the past death has taken me to the hollows of the pit, as low as one can go, but after many years of grief, I found some comfort and climbed back out of that pit, one baby step at a time.
The older I get, after a death it just seems to take me so dam long to pull myself back out of the "grieving hole." A death close to me opens up so many memories that are so painful and unpleasant, and creates a longing for my daughter. The scabs of the wound on my soul are ripped off once again oozing. You try to wear the "happy face" but inside your heart is aching and you just want to SCREAM, you people have no idea how much I hurt, I lost my child!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe if my beliefs on death were different, I would feel some peace. To me death ends life, your heart stops beating, you stop breathing, it’s over, done. I know through life this is the one true thing we all will go through. But what happens after we are gone??
Perhaps if I had some fairly tale belief that there is another place, another time, a true heaven, another "plane", etc. or is there really a soul, and a God? Is there an after-life, are we in some form? Is there a light ... they say in near death cases there is ... or is it just oxygen deprivation? Maybe even if I had a belief, ever so slim that once again we will see the dearly departed, or know they are "happy," it would ease my troubled heart, but I don't. Death to me .... is death. Done, finished, over! Hence this heavy heart I carry.
I have read, and spoken to, and listened to all sorts of arguments given to me by many a friend, by professionals, by clergy, but how does one change their beliefs that have been instilled in my life for over 50 years? I would not consider myself an atheist, or agnostic, I "think" there is something out there, the existence of a God or maybe multiple Gods, and that thought is much more pleasing to me than the absence of one. If I believe this then perhaps death will ease my troubled mind, but how do I.
Isn’t it the Beatitudes that said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" … I so want that comfort.