Death recently has just taken me way down ... losing a very dear friend only weeks ago opened up old wounds that just seem to take too long to heal again. Now that I am in the "fall" of my life, death scares me even more.
In the past death has taken me to the hollows of the pit, as low as one can go, but after many years of grief, I found some comfort and climbed back out of that pit, one baby step at a time.
The older I get, after a death it just seems to take me so dam long to pull myself back out of the "grieving hole." A death close to me opens up so many memories that are so painful and unpleasant, and creates a longing for my daughter. The scabs of the wound on my soul are ripped off once again oozing. You try to wear the "happy face" but inside your heart is aching and you just want to SCREAM, you people have no idea how much I hurt, I lost my child!!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe if my beliefs on death were different, I would feel some peace. To me death ends life, your heart stops beating, you stop breathing, it’s over, done. I know through life this is the one true thing we all will go through. But what happens after we are gone??
Perhaps if I had some fairly tale belief that there is another place, another time, a true heaven, another "plane", etc. or is there really a soul, and a God? Is there an after-life, are we in some form? Is there a light ... they say in near death cases there is ... or is it just oxygen deprivation? Maybe even if I had a belief, ever so slim that once again we will see the dearly departed, or know they are "happy," it would ease my troubled heart, but I don't. Death to me .... is death. Done, finished, over! Hence this heavy heart I carry.
I have read, and spoken to, and listened to all sorts of arguments given to me by many a friend, by professionals, by clergy, but how does one change their beliefs that have been instilled in my life for over 50 years? I would not consider myself an atheist, or agnostic, I "think" there is something out there, the existence of a God or maybe multiple Gods, and that thought is much more pleasing to me than the absence of one. If I believe this then perhaps death will ease my troubled mind, but how do I.
Isn’t it the Beatitudes that said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted" … I so want that comfort.
3 comments:
How _do_ you change a belief system of over 50 years? I could tell you my experiences, but they would just be "stories" and not really "real" to you. I have had memories from an early age of other life times. I believed in reincarnation before I even had a name for it. One of my earliest memories as a child was waking up and thinking "I'm alive again." I wrote extensively as a child on death and dying, trying to make sense of the memories. I took a trip with a friend and described to her the inside of the "historic" house we were going to see in another state, where each member of the family slept and where I wrote in this house. I was right on all accounts. When we arrived there, my friend was very uncomfortable when looking out a side window of the house toward the brother's house. We were told some family history later that revealed an affair with a neighbor and hard feelings among the family members. I also came to believe that my friend (now), was my sister (then), which helps explain why she's gone to great lengths to keep my writing safe in this lifetime and make copies of it, because she destroyed a great deal of it in that past lifetime and felt guilty. I've also heard voices that woke me out of a sound sleep and at other times, that helped save my life. I have so many, many instances in my life, where I should have died, but didn't, because of intervention I received in the form of a gut feeling or auditory message, and I have also been regressed, years after visiting the "historic" house, to discover I had even more memories of that lifetime. Some really mundane, but very vivid memories. So I firmly believe I have lived before and have every expectation that I will live again. I posted a couple weeks back about early morning thoughts and mentioned that maybe we're asking the wrong question. We're all so concerned about life after death, but don't stop to question life before life. We know that all the energy that is in the universe remains in the universe. Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it only changes form. We know our "life force" is an electro-magnetic field. Where was that energy before it entered the womb and caused cells to spark into life? I believe that wherever that energy came from, that's where we go when our physical bodies die. Our energy doesn't die, it just changes form. That doesn't help the grief when we lose contact with a loved one. For all intents and purposes, they are no longer physically there where we can speak to them on a daily basis. But their life force is still out there somewhere. I try to take comfort that the loved one isn't gone, they're just merely traveling someplace where I can't communicate with them. Although that's not necessarily true since I've had people come see me after their deaths to say goodbye. That has a tendency to freak you out the first time it happens. I also subscribe to the belief that we are all like radio stations and perfectly capable of picking up the signals of these souls that are no longer in the body, it's just some of us have fine tuned our receptors. Mine used to be _really_ tuned in and I had to work for years to block it because I started to see things that I didn't want to see, because somebody thought I could be of help to solve some crimes. I did not and still do not have the personality to watch horrific crimes and then seek help from the authorities. I never was able to pick and choose what came through, it either all did or nothing did. For my sanity, I chose to ignore and later learned to block the images. Now I almost never get messages unless it's absolutely critical that I do. My last clear message was about 10 years ago. I don't know if any of this helps. I hope so.
You have hit the nail directly on the head for me and voiced all that I have been thinking/feeling since I lost my Mamma on January 25, 2010.
I pray for peace..... for both of us.
and also...... I really thought I was the only one who thought this way, everyone is always saying "they're in a better place" or "you will see them again" and I would think "Will I?".
Thank you my friend. Thank you. You have made me feel not quite so alone.
in the lowest quiet times I simply pray "If God hears me....help me learn from this what ever it is I am suposed to so that I can get beyond the hurt and anger," answers sometimes come... mostly peace comes and helps me accept what is...is. I wish you peace..
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