In Memory Of Jodi on her Birthday ~ Jan. 15th

How does a mother begin to try to explain to all who visit my blog who my daughter Jodi was, and to share with you who she grew to become. She should be here with us all enjoying the passion of life! I grieve daily for the loss of my daughter, often behind a mask of false smiles and false words "I'm doing just great." Why did she die?? What purpose is it on this planet that a parent has to bury their child? Always searching for meaning as to why this had to happen, knowing there is never going to be an answer.

You would have all liked Jodi. Her mischievous sense of humor, her love for life, her ability to touch people, her ability to conquer the obstacles in her life medical or otherwise, her strength, her independence, her compassion, her readiness to help her friends, her infectious laugh that could make you smile even when you were sad. I especially remember her human concerns and how she met individuals and made them feel significant, AND her hugs, she gave the best hugs. After she died I received a letter from a women who's husband Jodi had treated, he had since passed away, but she wrote how much one of Jodi's hugs could help him through the day. I received another letter from a friend that said, "one of Jodi's hugs could last you a week." My dearest Jodi, how I miss your laugh, your hugs, your perfume, your voice.

After Jodi died I lived at the cemetery from morning until well into the night. I would read, walk, sleep, lay on her grave, journal, and did I say howl. I howled so loud. I wrote this poem as if my living daughter was telling the story...the opening stanza I had read someplace and then I wrote the rest.

There is a sound that if you are very lucky in your life you will never hear, and luckier still if you never have a reason to make it, It’s the howling, the howling. The best actor in the world could never recreate it, For you actually have to feel it-you can not fake it, It’s the howling, the howling. I first heard it late one afternoon in July, My father told my mother Jodi had died, It was the howling, the howling. In the funeral parlor, I heard it again, Their child, lye in a casket, It’s the howling, the howling. It came again in New York, Time to say good-bye, To never see her human form again, Please god no, It’s the howling, the howling. The cemetery, blue skies turn gray, A soft rain, angels crying? Crying with our family, And I heard it again, It’s the howling, the howling. Christmas now, months later still, Las Vegas, someplace away from tradition, Trying to forget, but we can’t, I hear my mother, It’s the howling, the howling. Ten years now lost to the wind, 120 months slipped through our lives, And how many nights I can still hear it, It’s the howling, the howling. This is not a sound from your throat, It comes from the hollows of your tormented soul, May you never hear it….…..the howling, the howling.

After so many years, I do know I am healing. I do not see things in shades of gray any longer, my days are now spotted with color, not all of them but a good many of them. I do not wish to share all my "inner" grief with others, I really do not feel anyone truly knows how I personally feel. I do not want to share my grief with others also because I do not want "you" to take that piece of grief away from me, because sometimes I think that piece of grief that I still hold in my heart and soul is gone, I may begin to forget Jodi. I need that piece of grief to stay with me.

I try to understand my inner grief and give it less power to dictate my life as I have healed. I needed to own that wounded part of me. I also needed to learn to have a balance because I couldn't live in those feelings. I know Jodi would want me to be a functional person again.

Some people seem to think that grief is something that is bad, something that we need to recover from, how many people said to me, you need to get over it, let go and move on. Or they would say, I know how you feel I had a aunt die, all well meaning, but not words I chose to hear! I disagree that grief is a bad thing, It is true that grief is difficult and painful, but that does not mean that it is "bad" or that it is something that I should avoid or get through as quickly as possible. Grief is a necessary part of human life, an essential emotion. If I were to try to live without grief, my very humanity would be truncated, and my growth as moral and spiritual being would be stunted. My grief was/is essential. My grief is as much a part of love! I think if I did not grieve I would not have loved.

I feel cheated that Jodi was taken away from me so young. I was cheated out of the loss of her future, out of the dreams I wanted to see her accomplish, out of the grandchildren I will never know, the door of her future was closed and only sadness, tears, emptiness, and broken dreams remained.

Yet, I must look back and be grateful that I had Jodi in my life for 27 years. She was only granted a piece of life, I do appreciate what I am now without. I give thanks for the beautiful girl that I called my daughter, and my friend. I cherish my last time with Jodi and the memories that we made (tattoo and all). I cherish that she became my friend, besides my daughter. The beautiful, the caring, the irreplaceable Jodi, who's beauty both external and internal will never be extinguished from any of our minds.

In closing I must share this with you. Jodi loved the poem "Footprints" and when I was packing her things I came across many copies of the poem and a needlepoint that she was working. On Jodi's bed side table there was a book called "Gentle Reminders, and Daily Affirmations. I sat down on her bed and opened the book to July 22nd, the day Jodi died. This is the verse I found, "Lives of great people remind us, we can make our lives sublime, and in departing leave behind footprints on the sands of time, I want to leave footprints of love."

I think that Jodi touched all that she met in some way, and that she did truly left behind for us - "footprints of love".

Happy Birthday Jodi, and I hope you are dancing with the angels!! I will carry you in my heart forever until my last breath is silenced, then I hope to join you on what ever plane you roam on ..... love you always baby girl ...

Here are some pictures of my beautiful baby girl ...
FOUR MONTHS OLD




BIG SISTER GENA AND JODI ...

LOOK AT ALL MY CANDY GRANDPA!!

JODI AND HER BIG SISTER GENA

LOVE THOSE PIG-TAILS

JODI AND HER HOME MADE DOLLS


JODI AND TIPPER GORE


JODI AND THE LOVE OF HER LIFE




JODI BEING SILLY



JODI BEING SERIOUS




MY JODI ANGEL ...

FOREVER JODI